Day By Day, Minute By Minute.

It's been a tough go so far at trying to regain some form of the normal I used to have. Trying to throw myself back into the things that used to make me a happy and social person. The things that made me well...me.

I'm doing okay with being positive though so far and beating back the thoughts of not being good enough, trying to laugh more like I used to. Last night was a bit of a setback at home though as emotions ran high and low but in my typical fashion I talked them down and in the end laughter ruled the night as I helped chase back the shadows for the family...at least I hope I did. It looked like I did at least temporarily.

There's so much that needs to be done, so much work to do but I refuse to pressure myself into making it happen. Like everyone I have long and short term goals. A few I can't do based on it not being the right time for it for instance I have until May to get my Motorcycle license and last year was a bust for that because of bike trouble but I'm just going to do what I should have done in the first place and take the Course so that being said I can't do that until March or April because that's when it's available.

The BSA build well that's what it is and according to my timeline I still have 2 1/2 years to complete that and for the most part the engine rebuild is what will take the time and money.

Money...living here is not cheap but yet still cheap for where I am and making that work is a struggle most months, not just because of rent but the gas and hydro prices are insane. I feel like I'm complaining but I'm just listing facts as I know them and even though I know that my own drive and will are the only things that will get these things done, as much as I tell myself that I can do them there is always a sense of failure looming in the background.

Which brings me to the book I finished writing over 6 months ago and getting it published. There is another fear there that I'll need to overcome about not being good enough. How do you handle the fears though? Some people say just to buck up and do it and sure that's possible but it's not like they are ready to be attempted ( well the book, yes ) so the anticipation is the killer here. I have managed to get some editing in and there's another thing I'm going to push myself to do regardless of the outcome on the publishing front.

Exciting yes and at the same time terrifying even though I've got the second book bouncing around in my head. One thing at a time right?

Losing my train of thought at work because even though I love where I work it's still not the job I want to do but it pays the bills and I should strive to be the best at it that I can ( part of my 2018 goals ) but creatively...there is nothing creative about it.

So in between it's me just trying to survive day by day and minute by minute and trying to win the lottery or find a supplement income the days are long and trying. I'm pretty sure the crazy weather doesn't help and I'm not seasonally depressed but I do miss the bright days. The rainy and dark days don't bother me, the cold though yes. That's why it's my least favourite season. Funny though...I remember Snowboarding and loving the Winter way back when we actually had snow to look forward to.

So I pour myself onto this page to try and help me sort it all out and be proud of my accomplishments in my life.

I used to have a rigid posting timeline and this time around after...what...7 years of this? That is over. If I have something to say or show then I'm here. The other Blogs are gone, an ambitious trial but I'm a simple woman and will be taking it one day at a time while still trying to take you all with me!

Ironic that it's a Monday and I'm posting? Old habits die hard I guess...

I'd love to put something prophetic and deep in here but I simply can't think of anything to say except live your life don't fear it.

Ok guys I'm off to try and do just that.

Have a great week!

See Ya
S.

Back To Normal...Sort Of

Well Hello Lovelies!

    So after my complete melt down last week, it took me roughly 3 days to recover. Once I posted last week ( most views in one single day that I've ever had. Thank you! ) I felt better.

    I've always said that I'm here and started this to leave something behind for my family. A way for them to remember some of the good times which I try to concentrate on mostly but every now and then I find it works out my own head like Ramblings of a Distracted Mind and others that showed chaotic feelings. I did feel better though, it was like it was all out and once I put it here I could move forward and I did.

    A few days later a friend of the family passed away. It was a long time coming and as Lo would say they were prepared but not ready. I don't think you can ever be ready and even though I had only physically met her twice she entwined herself in my world through Lo and her love of plants matched mine, we got along over that and her flawless sense of humour while she took everything in stride. I'll miss not getting a picture of a random plant that asks me what the hell it is.

R.I.P. Kristi...we were well met.

Let's fast forward shall we to a conversation on the WCE with another friend that almost stopped my heart.

Me: So the vet will call me to pick up Cali's ashes this week.
SE: Did you get it done separately?
Me: *blink* What do you mean...separately?
SE: They didn't ask you?

At this point I know where she's leading but really...really hoping she's wrong as she looks at me with wide green eyes, hands covering her mouth ( but I knew she was trying not to laugh ) and eyebrows high in question and in knowledge.

Me: WHAT DO YOU MEAN SEPARATELY?????
SE: You can get your pet cremated separately or they will put them in with other animals and you might only get...part of her back. They didn't ask you which one and explain it to you?

Now... I'm horrified...and panicking.

Me: NO! They came in and asked if I wanted private cremation that was it!
SE: Ok good, it's ok that's what you want.

Relief flashed across her face and mine as my heart slowed to a normal rhythm.
We picked up her ashes on Saturday. Bean and I had a cry because she was home now and although the weight of her missing from our lives is still there, the world keeps turning.

Thanks for all the love and support! You have no idea how much that means to me.

The rest of the weekend was spent praying for sunshine and praying for no rain where we had a tiny bit of sun and a little bit of rain but mostly cloudy, muggy summer darkness. This summer so far is not as it should be and as much as I'm glad it's not 30 - 35 degrees out it would be nice to have some PREDICTABLE weather to possibly plan around. So all I could do was daydream about a future I don't have yet, book a tattoo and write.

Damn you Norman Reedus for making my obsession worse on Sunday nights.

Next on the list...the people going don't even know it yet but planning a trip to Hells Gate for the end of Aug. I'd like that to be my first long ride so get your shit together people!

                                             

Now I know that at least one of you is saying HELL YA! While a few others are saying OH GOD.

Fitting don't you think?

Have a great week guys!

See Ya

S

The Imperfection Of Everything

Hello Lovelies!

Well last week I saw Whitey again and he was very happy to see me!

I should be scared right?

     The funny thing is that even though his stories seem way too...umm...fictional, he's so far a very nice guy just interested in sharing I guess and because you know I'm soooooo approachable that I get to be one of the many.

     As he sat down across from me in his blue and yellow Hawaiian shirt he inquired about my reading again noticing that I was reading a different book from the last time he saw me and then asked me how my day was. I told him it was good for a Wednesday and without hesitation off on the story train he went this time telling me about his travels to Mexico during a Cinco de Mayo some many many moons ago where he took his 007 type spy gear so that he could catch sight of a Spirit in an ancient church somewhere. He told me about finally catching it on film but that the spirit was just a shadow in the picture but he was certain he caught it.

Kind of makes me want to throw him in a story! In a way though I guess I am.

    Next he told me of meeting Stephen King during the filming of the original IT. After a brief conversation about my fear and downright hatred of Clowns that made him laugh he says " I like you!" I'm not sure it it's a good thing or a bad thing so if I disappear on a Wednesday never to be heard from again look for Whitey the Vampire/Werewolf/Secret Agent & Spirit Chaser guy he might have thrown me in a coffin, under the full moon with nothing but a micro-recorder and a bag of salt.

 He got of 3 stops later gave me a smile, a wave and as was well.

    So, now on to other things that will bore you to tears if that didn't already. this past Sunday we had the annual Car Show in Port Coquitlam that has gotten so large now that I prefer to stay at home instead of walking around in the masses but I had baby boy to keep me occupied so at least I wasn't bored. Being less than a block away from the center of it all it's much easier to go first thing as the cars are being driven in or right at the end when they form the loud vibrating lines of revving engines that shake you to the core as they drive off for home.

   On the writing front I'm glad to say that I'm still at it and that's a good thing. Revising has slipped back a little as the story is progressing forward and I know that I have to catch that up and fix the continuity issues for it to mesh together better but that work in progress is at least progressing and that's all I can as for. OK not all I can ask for but for right now I will take the consistency at which I spend time in my alternate written world over the perfection of it.

    If I've learned anything the only perfection I see is in the imperfection of everything and those imperfections make the world I live in much less plain. There is so much more to see and more to share preferably without judgments but that's impossible. Everyone has their own opinion and that's OK, being able to agree to disagree is a big thing in my house because even though some of us share the same view or opinion a lot of the time we'll have different reasons why we came to the conclusion. I am one of those people that tries to see everything from all angles. I never used to be and those teenage years were tough to learn from but I did. After I had my girls I was still learning being a younger mother at 19. Actions do have consequences whether they slap you in the face or just sit in the dark side of your brain reminding you that there was a time when what you thought was the perfect idea or the perfect choice...just...wasn't.

I'm rambling again, sorry! That just happens sometimes so on that note Lovelies...

Have a great week!

See Ya
S

Happy?...Monday.

Hello Lovelies!

It's a craptacular Monday! Full of rain and wet socks in squishy shoes and not my idea of a good time as the wind tries to blow my umbrella inside out and the rain is sideways, I have to say but it's nothing outside of what we're used to here.

So how was your week? I'm hoping full of stuff that you got done and at least a few you didn't! Mine consisted of a few people thinking they were being smart but really they weren't and showing their immaturity in the process. Another few the opposite way that didn't think what they were doing was smart and it turned out working in their favour. It just goes to show how different people are and how they perceive things in day to day life.

This morning on the news they were talking about Happiness and what it takes ( money or otherwise ) to hit that happiness peak. Some say happiness is a state of mind and I agree! You can't stay happy all the time right? Sometimes such simple things make us happy, like a friend of mine that gets supper happy if you bring her disinfecting wipes...I know she's kind of OCD and a bit crazy at times but that's what floats her boat. Another friend that would only need a... this time anyway...for example Venti Decaf Soya Caramel Machiato extra hot ( who I owe a movie to, I remember! ) and others that get giddy from getting presented with Brownies to obtaining WOW time or growing an avocado tree.

Sometimes it's easy to achieve but the feeling doesn't last very long does it?

If we could only find that happy balance. What do you do when your happy? Try to spread it around? Dance? Annoy the not happy people with your overwhelming happiness? Sometimes happy is watching your favourite classic horror movie while eating popcorn your kid put skittles in.

Gross...

I just saw way too many people this morning that were rude and dismissive when they didn't need to be, but hey who knows what they have going on right? Besides you can't make everyone happy but you can make at least one person smile.
Like the train station this morning. Packed full of people getting tickets...I didn't need to get on so I sidled along behind them trying to get to the platform when my bag hooked a big garbage can and t came crashing to the ground. The guy behind me bent down to pick it up as I turned around and asked if it was me that knocked it over. He was laughing when he said "yes it was." and me being me says  "of course it was...because it's Monday and it's me."

To my surprise a few others in the 4 lines for tickets started laughing too so at least they started their day off with with a giggle.

On those days though where you can't find the happy or the laughter just remember that it'll get better...eventually...but it will because everything is changeable, whether you know it or not.

With that said I'm going to consume even more coffee and try to make this day go as quickly as possible.

Have a great week!

See Ya
S

In My Head? Oh I Don't Think So!

Hi Lovelies!

The posts are coming few and far between these days as I try to figure out the next phase of things. Still looking for a new job and that has been my main focus trying to keep the household together.

The inhabitants of the zoo have been at hand helping when they can and they keep me sane as the interviews and the "hurry up and wait" stuff is going on. The problem is spending too much time in my own head. Who wants to be there? It's like a roller coaster ride! I don't and I never realized how much time one has to think when there is nothing left to do in the day.

Have you ever had so much on your mind that it's like scrambled eggs in a blender, swirling around at top speed? Sure you have and I'm a firm believer in everything working out for the best in time. Question?... How to speed up THAT time? Short of a time machine there is just no way so you go back to what you know and the things you're familiar with and for me that's right here.

I do have to change the subject for a second though to something that disturbed me. I have a Tumblr account and it feeds my obsession with Steampunk and my various TV fixations. Now just like other social media you can follow other accounts. I didn't realize that I had followed a young girl that either had or still has an eating disorder. She says she doesn't promote the disorders but constantly posts pictures of awfully skinny girls stating she wants to be that thin again.

Protruding bones and skeleton like figures of young girls was showing up on my feed and it was awful. I have daughters and I would never want them to EVER feel like the needed to be that thin to be happy. I always used to say to Choo when they became hormonal, "Be careful what you say to them because they could develop an eating disorder" Seeing what I saw on this girls page made that memory surface.

To see that these girls would go so far to share other pics with each other and the global universe with notes LIKING this is beyond me and makes me sad. I couldn't stand to see it anymore and had to unfollow her for my own mental health. So when the scrambled thoughts hit my head I wondered what inside her head was like...and then promptly squashed it.

So that makes me feel like my head isn't as full of crap as I thought and sadly kind of made me feel better. I know right...

I really hope she can find her way to a better train of thought and realize that she doesn't NEED to look that way.

Anyway guys as I write this I am yet again trying to upload a video and although You Tube is telling me it will take 120 mins it will hopefully take less time! In the meantime it's catch up time!

See Ya!
S