It's been a tough go so far at trying to regain some form of the normal I used to have. Trying to throw myself back into the things that used to make me a happy and social person. The things that made me well...me.
I'm doing okay with being positive though so far and beating back the thoughts of not being good enough, trying to laugh more like I used to. Last night was a bit of a setback at home though as emotions ran high and low but in my typical fashion I talked them down and in the end laughter ruled the night as I helped chase back the shadows for the family...at least I hope I did. It looked like I did at least temporarily.
There's so much that needs to be done, so much work to do but I refuse to pressure myself into making it happen. Like everyone I have long and short term goals. A few I can't do based on it not being the right time for it for instance I have until May to get my Motorcycle license and last year was a bust for that because of bike trouble but I'm just going to do what I should have done in the first place and take the Course so that being said I can't do that until March or April because that's when it's available.
The BSA build well that's what it is and according to my timeline I still have 2 1/2 years to complete that and for the most part the engine rebuild is what will take the time and money.
Money...living here is not cheap but yet still cheap for where I am and making that work is a struggle most months, not just because of rent but the gas and hydro prices are insane. I feel like I'm complaining but I'm just listing facts as I know them and even though I know that my own drive and will are the only things that will get these things done, as much as I tell myself that I can do them there is always a sense of failure looming in the background.
Which brings me to the book I finished writing over 6 months ago and getting it published. There is another fear there that I'll need to overcome about not being good enough. How do you handle the fears though? Some people say just to buck up and do it and sure that's possible but it's not like they are ready to be attempted ( well the book, yes ) so the anticipation is the killer here. I have managed to get some editing in and there's another thing I'm going to push myself to do regardless of the outcome on the publishing front.
Exciting yes and at the same time terrifying even though I've got the second book bouncing around in my head. One thing at a time right?
Losing my train of thought at work because even though I love where I work it's still not the job I want to do but it pays the bills and I should strive to be the best at it that I can ( part of my 2018 goals ) but creatively...there is nothing creative about it.
So in between it's me just trying to survive day by day and minute by minute and trying to win the lottery or find a supplement income the days are long and trying. I'm pretty sure the crazy weather doesn't help and I'm not seasonally depressed but I do miss the bright days. The rainy and dark days don't bother me, the cold though yes. That's why it's my least favourite season. Funny though...I remember Snowboarding and loving the Winter way back when we actually had snow to look forward to.
So I pour myself onto this page to try and help me sort it all out and be proud of my accomplishments in my life.
I used to have a rigid posting timeline and this time around after...what...7 years of this? That is over. If I have something to say or show then I'm here. The other Blogs are gone, an ambitious trial but I'm a simple woman and will be taking it one day at a time while still trying to take you all with me!
Ironic that it's a Monday and I'm posting? Old habits die hard I guess...
I'd love to put something prophetic and deep in here but I simply can't think of anything to say except live your life don't fear it.
Ok guys I'm off to try and do just that.
Have a great week!
See Ya
S.
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