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Monday, September 26, 2011

Changing; Our life the next stage.

Well when they say that things change... as much as we don't want some things to they're right and sometimes it hits you like a ton of bricks even when expected.

My mother in law passed away Sept 16, 2011 exactly 1 week after her 65th birthday. she had been sick with COPD for over 10 years and a heart attack on Sept 13, put her in the hospital for her to never leave. At first it looked like she was going to be OK and just needed to spend some time there to recover but it turned out that in the end she couldn't breath on her own without assistance and her heart was so damaged that they did not expect the best for her. She in the end refused treatment and she had a DNR ( Do Not Resuscitate ) order in effect. This was the hardest process that I've ever had to go through and she was my mother IN LAW as well as grandmother to my children. When it's time for my mom to go Home as she calls it, I think I'll literally lose my mind.

When we found out from the doctor that she was never going back to her home and that they were just doing the bare minimum to keep her alive, her sons were asked to make the hardest decision of their lives when they were told that there was nothing they could do but let her go. So the closest people to her were called and they came to say their goodbyes. My girls were tough as they said goodbye to their grandmother tears were shed and hugs given. Even when I told her that we had Tasha living with us now she included her as family without even meeting her. From that point Jackie said she had 3 beautiful granddaughters and was happy about it. One of the hardest things to watch was Mat, his brother beside their aunt and uncle to let her go. She was completely lucid and aware of what was going on around her and that was even harder to take. Jackie was diagnosed 10 years ago and only give 2 years to live at that time and surpassed that in spades.

Her family was around her at the end and one of the toughest things they had to go through but they surrounded her with so much love. It felt surreal, like I was outside of it but I wasn't. I said my goodbye to her with many tears as she looked so small in the big bed while she had a breathing mask on and not one of those little ones but a full face mask sealed that would push air in and take it out of her lungs. Every time they tried to take the mask off and replace it her CO2 levels would spike.

I think I had to write this out as part of my grieving process. There hasn't been much time for that since we've had people non stop either staying with us or stopping by and arrangements to be made. Now when you've never done this before it's really confusing but a strong support network of help and the Internet has helped alot. My mind runs through all of the what ifs constantly, Mat says we can't do that and that we need to move forward with what we can do now, which is do our best to lay her to rest the way we think she would want to be.

No that everything is done a rough 10 days of goodbyes and preparation makes all of us think about how to make sure that everything is taken care of so my family is free to grieve and not worry. Everyone grieves differently and some better than others, with that I'm just glad she doesn't have to suffer anymore and she's at rest.

She doesn't have to fight anymore.


Thursday, September 1, 2011

Feeling the changes.

   My favourite time of year is coming! I feel it in the weather change and my increased need for creative outlets. Fall is when it's time to settle down for comfort and coziness, I cook more, write more, create more artistic visions and most definitely eat more...

   As the skies get darker I seem to have more energy and feel like the new year starts for me in September instead of January. How do you get the to do list off your mind? Instead of spring cleaning I have Fall cleaning and the rearranging of my entire household, get the chimney swept and put on the fires. I can't wait! Why I'm more productive in this season I have no idea but I'm ok with it.

   I've been working on the my script and sometimes although I want to blog about it as much as possible I obviously don't want to give to much away but still want to chronicle the processes I've been going through and share what's been going on. So I'll try to be conscience of all of that while I keep you updated on the road I'm taking.

   Seeing that I have no formal training or experience but love to write we'll see how this goes. I think I started off kind of backwards. I've always loved to write stories and started to write a novel when I was younger but had my girls and all of that was put on the back burner. Through the years I've picked up the pen over and over writing short stories but never had the courage to turn anything in and see if I was actually good at it. Ok good at it according to professionals, I've heard very encouraging things from friends and family but they're friends and family so it's almost like they have to say it.I bounced around from novel writing to script writing and though there are vague similarities they are so drastically different. Plus instead of looking at Publishing Houses and the best seller list you're looking at Networks and award ceremonies.

   With this particular story that I'm trying to get out of my head started out as a dramatic novel but over and over in my head it played out almost like a movie but I kept seeing the season finale cliffhanger! That's when the research into writing a TV script came in and the more I wrote chapter by chapter the more I wanted to change it. I do find this process does have it's difficult moments but I'm up for the challenge of it and whether or not I can sell this as long as I'm confident with my work and my effort I'll be satisfied... ok that's a lie I'm going at this with every intention to succeed and if I don't this time then I'll have to keep trying and who am I kidding I could never just be satisfied! I can except the result to a point but don't think I'd be satisfied with it if it didn't go my way. I'd probably be pissed at myself but we'll see when the time comes, who knows... the devastation of rejection might stop me in my tracks.

   So as I'm learning to put the pieces together and keep them together, learning about effective storyboarding and shots the language in general I'll have to keep plugging on and plugging in to the resources available to me. My daughter introduced me to Scriptbuddy which is a program they used in school it's a free program but she figured it might help until I figured what would be the best for me to use. So far so good, I'm pretty sure I haven't used it to it's potential yet but I will. i still float between paper and computer. I have notes on everything from napkins to receipts and a memory stick for everything else. With Fall coming and my mind racing hopefully I can put everything together and come up with something amazing!