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Monday, June 20, 2016

Insane In The Vacation Brain

Hello Lovelies!!!

Please bare with me as I have this work week to go and then I'm on Vacation! My first true vacation of the year and it's been a long 6-7 months and my brain has already left and is dreaming of the days to come making it really hard to concentrate on anything longer than 30 seconds.

So what will I be doing for my vacation? It's a Staycation so I'm not going anywhere. I have things to do at home  taming my yard would be a good start and with Canada Day coming that week there's a BBQ to plan, things to paint because I'll be all crafty and my Motorcycle Skills Test that week as well it will be practice, practice, practice for me! So really it's a working vacation only I'm working on having fun!

 I found videos on You Tube of the ICBC MST and of all of the ones I watched there was only one with a female rider, her test was damn near perfect and she passed the 15 min test in 5. She just knew what she was doing and I can only hope to be a fraction of what she was on hers. 

And you know simple as it looks, to me it's the most intimidating thing I've seen yet and have to make myself do. Self doubt is riding high right now despite the encouraging words of the people around me. As much as my brain is telling me that I'm doing ok, that I'm passing the steps  in a functional manner, there's that tiny piece that is still asking me what I'm doing and telling me that it'll never happen because I'm too scared, that I'll never get to the point where I can accomplish what it is I want to do but I can handle that. I can handle the fear, I can handle the self doubt as long as I'm the one doing it then I won't be discouraged because I want this too much to listen to that voice belittling me in my head.

What I can't handle is doubt from anyone else, now don't get me wrong it's not that I care if anyone else doubts my ability to do things and not just this but in many other things. It's the little put downs or talking down to me that would typically make me angry wanting to push back and yet they stick in my head, needling at me, making me want to try harder to prove myself but for the wrong reasons. 

Of course I want to prove it to my family and they have been the best as I take this journey from putting the bike in my face, encouraging me to get my license, putting up with my endless questions,  shedding tears when you first saw me ride but I'm still my worst critic. So starting with this I've chosen not to let assholes get to me even if I'm the asshole. The ones that tell me "I'm just a girl." or tell me things just to placate me are not needed, you can either help me accomplish my goal or leave me alone. 

I don't need to be built up to be torn down I just need you in my corner.

As usual though putting it out here always helps me focus ( even temporarily ) and put things into order ( a random order but still...) avoiding the chaos (briefly) so that everything moves smoothly ( hopefully not into a ditch or a tree ) as I go along. Once I get past my skills test the insanity will stop...for a while anyway because you know we've got to keep the gong show alive.

Ok enough of that, I guess I should get my brain back in the game not that there is ANY hope of that getting better as the week goes on!

Have a great week guys!

See Ya

Monday, June 13, 2016

You're Creating A Monster...

    Well some of you guys knew I was going to blog about this because it was a very happy and important thing in my life. Most of the time I live through humour because if your smiling and laughing things can't be that bad right? Ya...sure.

    Last week was the worst for me in a long time. Some things from work and some from home colliding together to just make things not so much bad but completely frustrating. Too many things going on at once and trying to let go of things I had absolutely no control over was extremely hard to do. Usually I can just roll with it physically or emotionally and yet a lot of the time I think it's because I have to be strong enough for other people that I'll put my disappointments or desires aside until things are made right in other areas. Going through periods of time when I just need to process things so I'll say little but hear a lot.

    We had our ups and downs last week and for me it was harder than any other time to adjust the thoughts in my head especially because I have things I'm eager to do for myself but rarely put myself first and then I have to rely on others to help me and that's a hard thing for me to do sometimes because I'm a very stubborn woman.

    You all know that I'm learning to ride. This is the frustrating thing for me, I have several people that can and are trying to help me but poor weather and them being busy had put a red light on my ability to be out on the open road and then making other frustrations all the worse as well as my mood. I never figured it would affect me that much. It's funny because I never thought I would be one of the ones that not only rode myself but that just wanted to get on with it and be gone, with my friends, on my own... just out.
Unlike the people I know that are riders I'm one of few that never ever rode. Sure on the back but to be in control of a motorcycle...nope, I never saw it in the cards.

    Lo and I have had several conversations and she has been the one primarily helping me but she works nights and I work days and her days off are usually mid week so besides hovering in the driveway showing me various things I needed to do, there hasn't been that much progress and along with 2 weeks of rain that didn't help. She's been riding for 8 or so years now and she's the sister of my soul so who better to show me the ropes.
She'll say someone else but whatever buck up buttercup.

    Her husband taught her how to ride but she didn't want to learn and ended up resistant to the process where for me all I want to do is learn and she calls me a sponge because I've taken to the instruction so diligently. I would endlessly practice the things I was told to but still wasn't going anywhere and I would get to the point where I would be like...ok...I got what? I'm still stuck in the driveway. I would talk about the back lane but due to a lot of "Steph that's gravel." and "No." by the boys prevented me from trying that and even though Lo and I would talk about doing it anyway because I just wanted to have done with it, sensibility won out and I parked my racing thoughts and waited.

    In the meantime I ask questions, I'm involved and want to do this. We did have a weekend before last that was so stupid hot that breathing made you sweat and the tank was hotter than the fires of hell so it was best to let my girl wait until I wasn't going to burn my thighs... and then it rained depressing me all the more. So last week my mind was flailing, jumping from thought to thought about one thing or another, kids, home, work, riding ect and on Friday I finally saw a light ahead. Back at the beginning of June I ordered my helmet. Choo has 2, Lo has 2 but I wanted to have my own instead of borrowing one of theirs.

    On Friday I came home and it had been delivered! I was so happy when I finally got it out of the box that pics were taken and posted and my failing week felt behind me! I felt a sense of purpose! What it was I had no idea but my helmet was in my hands. I can't remember why I went out back but when I did I saw Lo's bike and then Choo's bike but mine was missing and I didn't hear her so I figured Choo had taken her for a quick spin and went back in the house. I hear him pull in around front so I'm standing on the front stairs about to ask him where he went when he tosses my keys at me and tells me to get my helmet.

 No hesitation...I fly back in the house, grab it and come back out.

    After a minute of feeling like a little kid as he adjusts the straps to the point of locking my jaw shut and me mumbling that I think it's too tight, I get on. Mind racing through the things everyone has told me and the things I've learned I had to center myself and then I let off the clutch, rolled on the throttle, after 2 or 3 seconds I have my feet up and I'm moving down the street. I do have a mild problem of getting super excited when I've accomplished something and then I end up doing too many things at once forgetting what I was doing but that only happens the first time.
I pulled her over and had to breathe for a second. Turned her around and rode back to Choo standing there smiling with that cheeky "See you can do it" smile. I stopped and put her in Neutral and he asked me if I was done. All I could do was shake my head and pat my chest because my heart was pounding so hard because not only did I do it but it felt like the bike wanted me to do it too. she's just as tired of sitting in the driveway as I am looking at her sit there.

    The next thing I know I'm riding up and down the street and the neighbour is out and telling me that an 86 year old woman just learned how to ride and if she could do it then I could too. Then Bean and Allan are out watching me and she almost set me off as she started to tear up for me. She said I had the biggest smile on my face. I told her I didn't even realize I was smiling. Choo found it interesting that I would go further and a bit faster each time but to that, all I can say is...

You're creating a monster...

Another friend called me crazy and for you...

You haven't seen crazy yet...

Have a great week!
See Ya

Friday, June 3, 2016

It's A Small Town After All

Getting my morning coffee from MacDonald's and there is a man standing next to me as I'm waiting.
Man leans over - Excuse me?
Me - Yes?
Man - Are you from Edmonton?
Me - I'm sorry...what?
Man Are you from Edmonton?
Me -
Still waiting for coffee...
Man - Coquitlam!
Me - Ah..ya...Port Coquitlam
Man - I remember you! I used to own the Telus store underneath the Superstore! You worked there!
Me - Yes I did!
Man - I work on West Georgia now!
Me - Funny...I do too.
I used to think the Tri-Cities was small now I see that Vancouver is too. Happy Friday!

See Ya!