Never Have I Ever...

Been as Popsicled as I was this weekend.

We had no power, the why of why we had no power don't really matter as much (not my fault ) as the WE HAD NO POWER part.

BC Hydro rates can be crazy and as someone who has had the battle of the rates for years every Winter this is no a surprise. What was a surprise was that on a Friday mid morning we were disconnected. Usually this isn't something I would really talk about because who wants to? Changes in my thoughts recently though have told me that I shouldn't only show and talk about the things I want to but maybe a few that I don't.

Because...I'm an ordinary person with ordinary problems that are sometimes not so ordinary.

Hmm...Again it's a Monday post...I am apparently not kicking that habit. Maybe I shouldn't?

Anyway...Compared to the rest of Canada, the Lower Mainland is not that cold but when you have no heat or light it sucks and if it was colder I might not have made it through. It was bad enough. The candle light was fine but it being the same temp as outside...well...hell...no...

Poor Smokey and Oz even though they have fur were not impressed. I sent Sese to stay with Bean for the weekend and Lo to her dad's, so me and Choo had to tough it out mostly at night. I would only be at the house until maybe 10-11 am before Choo would come back from wherever he was and take me to Bean's house for some warmth and to hang with the family. her place is small but not too small. We would charge everything we had all at once. Download stuff to watch and go from there. The hardest part though was how utterly depressing it was to be at home and knowing we I had to go back there even just to sleep.

It's one thing to realize that when there is no power and you're stuck at a standstill of nothingness but it's another to realize how much you depend on and that whatever you were PVR'ing that day was not going to record. The first night you make up things to do to entertain yourself and after that there is just nothing except laying in bed to try and stay warm and hoping your nose doesn't fall off.

After some fast work. Not too fast because you know it was the weekend, this morning everything was sorted and we're back in business. Unfortunately I'm pretty sure that everything in my fridge and freezer is ruined and since I didn't open either of them the whole time I'm kind of terrified to look.

Was it -35? Nope.

Blizzard? Nope

Ice Storm? Nope

I don't even think it got below zero but that doesn't matter when your cold and can't warm up. I have to say though that our house does have a fireplace and we've been there 8 years...never used it and also never cleaned the chimney. So I'm not interested in burning the house down...even though we would be warm.

Funny the things you think of after the fact eh? I'll put it on my list as a to do before Fall and I'll forget as usual. I'm going to try not to this time though!

I know on the grand scale though that with the homeless problem we have here that I shouldn't complain because at least I had a roof and the chill was temporary but it is what it is. Something that I had to go through even though I have a decent job and have been there so long. It is not easy to survive on even what I make. To the point of me looking into a second job just to help with the outrageous rates we have to pay.

We would be classified as middle income and some months are still harder than others to get through while we steal from Peter to pay Paul and back the other way once we can. It's a viscous cycle I would love to end and I think that if I get things together this year it will be the one that makes the difference there. It's made me realize that I need to be tougher and stronger that way and make sure that something like this doesn't happen again. That's been the past 26 years of my life. Paycheck to paycheck, go without this to get that.

It's kind of surreal to go to your daughters house and have her take care of you.

Yesterday I stole a bath from her and one thing she told me the day before that was "Hot is Cold and Cold is Hot" well I forgot that and when I went to step in the bath it was ice cold...so not where I wanted to be at that point. We watched a show called Cheap Weddings and Binging with ...some guy that was pretty funny actually while I let the warmth soak in.

So we invaded and Bean looked like she loved it. Living in a house of 6-7 at any given time you get used to the social parameters that go with that so her home was full this weekend and she smiled from ear to ear. She's actually sad we have power back so she'll be making us dinner tonight before we take her sister back home to the poor snakes and hedgehog that had to suffer along with us.

Ok guys Have a great week!

See Ya
S

Day By Day, Minute By Minute.

It's been a tough go so far at trying to regain some form of the normal I used to have. Trying to throw myself back into the things that used to make me a happy and social person. The things that made me well...me.

I'm doing okay with being positive though so far and beating back the thoughts of not being good enough, trying to laugh more like I used to. Last night was a bit of a setback at home though as emotions ran high and low but in my typical fashion I talked them down and in the end laughter ruled the night as I helped chase back the shadows for the family...at least I hope I did. It looked like I did at least temporarily.

There's so much that needs to be done, so much work to do but I refuse to pressure myself into making it happen. Like everyone I have long and short term goals. A few I can't do based on it not being the right time for it for instance I have until May to get my Motorcycle license and last year was a bust for that because of bike trouble but I'm just going to do what I should have done in the first place and take the Course so that being said I can't do that until March or April because that's when it's available.

The BSA build well that's what it is and according to my timeline I still have 2 1/2 years to complete that and for the most part the engine rebuild is what will take the time and money.

Money...living here is not cheap but yet still cheap for where I am and making that work is a struggle most months, not just because of rent but the gas and hydro prices are insane. I feel like I'm complaining but I'm just listing facts as I know them and even though I know that my own drive and will are the only things that will get these things done, as much as I tell myself that I can do them there is always a sense of failure looming in the background.

Which brings me to the book I finished writing over 6 months ago and getting it published. There is another fear there that I'll need to overcome about not being good enough. How do you handle the fears though? Some people say just to buck up and do it and sure that's possible but it's not like they are ready to be attempted ( well the book, yes ) so the anticipation is the killer here. I have managed to get some editing in and there's another thing I'm going to push myself to do regardless of the outcome on the publishing front.

Exciting yes and at the same time terrifying even though I've got the second book bouncing around in my head. One thing at a time right?

Losing my train of thought at work because even though I love where I work it's still not the job I want to do but it pays the bills and I should strive to be the best at it that I can ( part of my 2018 goals ) but creatively...there is nothing creative about it.

So in between it's me just trying to survive day by day and minute by minute and trying to win the lottery or find a supplement income the days are long and trying. I'm pretty sure the crazy weather doesn't help and I'm not seasonally depressed but I do miss the bright days. The rainy and dark days don't bother me, the cold though yes. That's why it's my least favourite season. Funny though...I remember Snowboarding and loving the Winter way back when we actually had snow to look forward to.

So I pour myself onto this page to try and help me sort it all out and be proud of my accomplishments in my life.

I used to have a rigid posting timeline and this time around after...what...7 years of this? That is over. If I have something to say or show then I'm here. The other Blogs are gone, an ambitious trial but I'm a simple woman and will be taking it one day at a time while still trying to take you all with me!

Ironic that it's a Monday and I'm posting? Old habits die hard I guess...

I'd love to put something prophetic and deep in here but I simply can't think of anything to say except live your life don't fear it.

Ok guys I'm off to try and do just that.

Have a great week!

See Ya
S.

So Long 2017...

Wow so much has happened since my last post.

2017 was one of the best years and one of the worst at the same time.

My other half found his son that he'd given up for adoption right before we got together 23 years ago. He's always been apart of our lives in thoughts of what it would have been like to raise him with his sisters, or wondering what he was like as a kid. Our dream came true when he decided to come and live with us in July and 3 weeks later he passed away...fucked up the whole rest of my year.

There was no getting back on track.

I'm still having trouble with that but I think of him everyday. His words or... word is tattooed on my skin and the memory of the last day we had with him was perfect and always will be.

It was a great day.

The impact he made in such a short period of time was massive and I'm so glad we got to see the best of him in that time. Every time I look at the mountains he's there with a look of pure fascination in his eyes. He was born here in BC but raised in Ontario so the mountains and ocean were awe inspiring for him. Even though the story I can't even tell yet was tragic on so many levels, it brought other people from his world into ours and made our family even bigger in turn.

He showed me to look at things with wonder and to have a big heart. He may not have been mine by blood but in my heart he was mine as much as he was Choo's.

So this year I've decided to focus more on me. I try that every year but just trying to get my shit together this time seems harder and like me the harder it is, the harder I hang on to it and I need to let things go. Goals are one thing but my general outlook on life is going to take some work. So I'm going to try and keep blogging, (the urge just hasn't been there) and keep working on the things that are my world right now, just keep pushing through it.

I have a list of things to get moving on and we'll see how that goes as the days go on but I'll keep you posted somewhere maybe through Instagram or Twitter but somewhere.

I love that you guys have stuck with me and those that are still here I'm thankful.

See Ya
S