Emotion vs Logic and Food

Hello Lovelies,

Alright 2 weeks to go before I'm on vacation and give or take a day until me and Blondunicorn ( who is a redhead right now ) are off to...I don't even know where yet but we will figure it out, more than likely just mere days before we go.

I would love to ride but I am consistently being told that there are things wrong with my girl. Carburetor first which still seems to be a problem so I'm told. Didn't feel like it to me but what do I know and now the Primary chain so it's killing me so I'm told only short rides no long ones and even then with our weather lately being really crappy...I feel stuck...and sad...and depressed...and then you get jerks that you call your friends giving you a hard time for not being out there when that's the only place I want to be is, out there, somewhere, getting lost.

I'm pretty sure that Choo is paranoid and just plain scared to death of me being out riding without him there to watch over me...not that he did really in the first place because he was gone all of the time out riding himself and then taking my bike and leaving.

Do I sound bitter?

Maybe a little...maybe I haven't quite gotten past that yet.

It's being held back that makes me bitter. I recently told BU that her bike had no reverse so why should she. Sure look in the rear-view and reflect but the only place you can go is forward. Bikes don't have a reverse and you have to force them to go backwards. Forward isn't always smooth either though but at least your moving, taking those ruts and bumps in the road where some of them slam your teeth together but you keep on moving.

I also read a phrase in a book recently "Hope strengthens, Fear kills" and that seems to resonate for me because to fear it locks you up. I don't even think it's a conscious think for him, I think he fears for me and considering he put it in front of me in the first place and fueled my obsession that's just too bad. Although it's pretty tough to stomp my feet and preach unfairness when I'm told things are wrong and don't have the experience to know how bad it it or be able to fix it myself so... I kind of have to trust those of knowledge even if it drives me nuts.

So that being said I torture myself daily with logic and emotion.

Emotion: "I'm going to ride whether he likes it or not!"
Logic: "What if I make the issues at hand worse?"

I daydream about being out there every...day and I can't be until she runs right so until them I live vicariously through others which makes me sad again but at least I have other things to occupy my time until then like baking ( my how domestic ) or reading ( which I do a lot of anyway ) or just living other moments.

Like going to visit something haunted and just getting away in general because it's never me that gets away. The kids, Choo, they get to get away when ever they want to and now it's my turn!!! This does a lot to help my mood. 2 more weeks I have to get through at work and then there is Canada Day our 150th so Bean is calling for Epicness and the house will try to provide that. She already has a Canadian menu happening including Poutine, Maple Leaf cookies, Naniamo bars and Smoked Salmon. She'll probably want pancakes for breakfast just so we can use syrup but that's my girl, she goes all out. Ketchup and All Dressed Chips

Check our some Foods Invented in Canada I was surprised by a couple actually!

Anyway guys, have a great week and I'll see you...somewhere. Instagram, Twitter you know, the usual!

See Ya
S

First Ride of the Season Disappointment.

Well Happy Motor Monday!

So this Monday Segment seems to be going well!

 It amazes me how welcoming the Motorcycle community is overall. I have met and made many new contacts and hopefully friends in the process. Where I would usually be quiet and watchful, I have engaged with people from all over. It's funny that when it comes to Motorcycles and Books I have met the most interesting people from all over.

Last Wednesday I went out and got Insurance for my bike. Now I second guessed myself at every turn there. "Should I get it now?", "Should I wait?", "Maybe it's not the right time?" I took the day off of work specifically for this reason and I knew that it was more my fear riding me than anything else because if I was Insured then I would have no excuse not to ride. Now don't get me wrong, I am so stoked and excited to ride that I vibrate but that nagging voice in the back of my head says things like. "You've forgotten what you've learned.", "It was a one off season.", "You didn't ride enough."

True did I ride as much as I wanted to? No Partially because by other half would take my bike out more than I could once his broke down. This made me angry on so many levels but I didn't feel like I had the right to say no since he gave me the bike in the first place. It wasn't even him riding it that was my issue it was the free for all he took with her. If I had the opportunity to ride, i couldn't. I'd come home from work and my bike would be gone. this also made me hesitant to insure it because he's in the process of building his Trike and with me having insurance he'll figure he can have his way.

Not...this...year...

Does me saying no make me a bitch?

I mean I hope not but at the same time I don't care. It's my bike right?

Anyway, I trucked off to my Autoplan office with my papers. Never told Choo where I was going, I just decided that you know what? I was going to do it...and I did. My Insurance guy was happy to see me when we went into his office to start the paperwork. He looked at me and said "You're going to insure...it's March!"

I said "Uh huh.." and got back a hefty "Good for you!" he doesn't insure his until June but I figured if I'm insuring for a year then it doesn't matter when it starts. By the end of it I left with my plates, my current discount and being informed that next month I qualify for Road Star. The highest discount offered with a handshake and a bold "Have a good day Road Warrior." ( Ya...I beamed at that)

I made my way home with a bounce in my step in the rain and when I got in Choo asked me how my walk was so I tossed my plate in his lap and his eyes lit up. Right then I told him not to get that look in his eyes.

The rest of the week was plagued by rain so on Sat morning I went out to fire up my girl and do a pre-trip check before I go through the motions of dusting off my young skills. when I sat on her, I kid you not it felt like home and like she was happy I was there. I stroked her tank and asked myself why I was so terrified, I mean I'm still super nervous to get back out on the road but the memory of how she felt under me knocked some of the edge off. So I put the key in and...nothing.

My heart would have sunk but I was aware that it was possible the battery would be dead. this winter it was left outside temporarily when the temp dropped and we got snow. Choo had told me when he put her away that the battery was dead and he would attempt to charge it. Apparently that didn't happen, I also noticed that my rear tire was flat. Not completely but enough to cause me worry about a hole in which case I'll blame him because he rode the shit out of her. ( I think I'm bitter.)

He did come out and helped me change the battery, giving me his battery and making the hair stand on the back of my neck because I know what this will mean, so on my list is to buy a new one myself. After we tested and replaced the battery I gave it another shot, Fuel on, Choke out, made sure she was in neutral and started her up.

I love that sound...

We inflated the tire and I noticed what looked like a track line of where the rubber has worn away also causing me concern and this time my heart did start to sink until Choo produced another tire the same size and barely worn. Unfortunately I'll have to take it in to get put on but I'd rather be safe than sorry right?

I took video of it so to watch click the link below. Beware I am not good at that!

First ride of the season disappointment.

So this is all a part of the process right?

See ya next week!
S

Back To Normal...Sort Of

Well Hello Lovelies!

    So after my complete melt down last week, it took me roughly 3 days to recover. Once I posted last week ( most views in one single day that I've ever had. Thank you! ) I felt better.

    I've always said that I'm here and started this to leave something behind for my family. A way for them to remember some of the good times which I try to concentrate on mostly but every now and then I find it works out my own head like Ramblings of a Distracted Mind and others that showed chaotic feelings. I did feel better though, it was like it was all out and once I put it here I could move forward and I did.

    A few days later a friend of the family passed away. It was a long time coming and as Lo would say they were prepared but not ready. I don't think you can ever be ready and even though I had only physically met her twice she entwined herself in my world through Lo and her love of plants matched mine, we got along over that and her flawless sense of humour while she took everything in stride. I'll miss not getting a picture of a random plant that asks me what the hell it is.

R.I.P. Kristi...we were well met.

Let's fast forward shall we to a conversation on the WCE with another friend that almost stopped my heart.

Me: So the vet will call me to pick up Cali's ashes this week.
SE: Did you get it done separately?
Me: *blink* What do you mean...separately?
SE: They didn't ask you?

At this point I know where she's leading but really...really hoping she's wrong as she looks at me with wide green eyes, hands covering her mouth ( but I knew she was trying not to laugh ) and eyebrows high in question and in knowledge.

Me: WHAT DO YOU MEAN SEPARATELY?????
SE: You can get your pet cremated separately or they will put them in with other animals and you might only get...part of her back. They didn't ask you which one and explain it to you?

Now... I'm horrified...and panicking.

Me: NO! They came in and asked if I wanted private cremation that was it!
SE: Ok good, it's ok that's what you want.

Relief flashed across her face and mine as my heart slowed to a normal rhythm.
We picked up her ashes on Saturday. Bean and I had a cry because she was home now and although the weight of her missing from our lives is still there, the world keeps turning.

Thanks for all the love and support! You have no idea how much that means to me.

The rest of the weekend was spent praying for sunshine and praying for no rain where we had a tiny bit of sun and a little bit of rain but mostly cloudy, muggy summer darkness. This summer so far is not as it should be and as much as I'm glad it's not 30 - 35 degrees out it would be nice to have some PREDICTABLE weather to possibly plan around. So all I could do was daydream about a future I don't have yet, book a tattoo and write.

Damn you Norman Reedus for making my obsession worse on Sunday nights.

Next on the list...the people going don't even know it yet but planning a trip to Hells Gate for the end of Aug. I'd like that to be my first long ride so get your shit together people!

                                             

Now I know that at least one of you is saying HELL YA! While a few others are saying OH GOD.

Fitting don't you think?

Have a great week guys!

See Ya

S

You're Creating A Monster...

    Well some of you guys knew I was going to blog about this because it was a very happy and important thing in my life. Most of the time I live through humour because if your smiling and laughing things can't be that bad right? Ya...sure.

    Last week was the worst for me in a long time. Some things from work and some from home colliding together to just make things not so much bad but completely frustrating. Too many things going on at once and trying to let go of things I had absolutely no control over was extremely hard to do. Usually I can just roll with it physically or emotionally and yet a lot of the time I think it's because I have to be strong enough for other people that I'll put my disappointments or desires aside until things are made right in other areas. Going through periods of time when I just need to process things so I'll say little but hear a lot.

    We had our ups and downs last week and for me it was harder than any other time to adjust the thoughts in my head especially because I have things I'm eager to do for myself but rarely put myself first and then I have to rely on others to help me and that's a hard thing for me to do sometimes because I'm a very stubborn woman.

    You all know that I'm learning to ride. This is the frustrating thing for me, I have several people that can and are trying to help me but poor weather and them being busy had put a red light on my ability to be out on the open road and then making other frustrations all the worse as well as my mood. I never figured it would affect me that much. It's funny because I never thought I would be one of the ones that not only rode myself but that just wanted to get on with it and be gone, with my friends, on my own... just out.
Unlike the people I know that are riders I'm one of few that never ever rode. Sure on the back but to be in control of a motorcycle...nope, I never saw it in the cards.

    Lo and I have had several conversations and she has been the one primarily helping me but she works nights and I work days and her days off are usually mid week so besides hovering in the driveway showing me various things I needed to do, there hasn't been that much progress and along with 2 weeks of rain that didn't help. She's been riding for 8 or so years now and she's the sister of my soul so who better to show me the ropes.
She'll say someone else but whatever buck up buttercup.

    Her husband taught her how to ride but she didn't want to learn and ended up resistant to the process where for me all I want to do is learn and she calls me a sponge because I've taken to the instruction so diligently. I would endlessly practice the things I was told to but still wasn't going anywhere and I would get to the point where I would be like...ok...I got it...now what? I'm still stuck in the driveway. I would talk about the back lane but due to a lot of "Steph that's gravel." and "No." by the boys prevented me from trying that and even though Lo and I would talk about doing it anyway because I just wanted to have done with it, sensibility won out and I parked my racing thoughts and waited.

    In the meantime I ask questions, I'm involved and want to do this. We did have a weekend before last that was so stupid hot that breathing made you sweat and the tank was hotter than the fires of hell so it was best to let my girl wait until I wasn't going to burn my thighs... and then it rained depressing me all the more. So last week my mind was flailing, jumping from thought to thought about one thing or another, kids, home, work, riding ect and on Friday I finally saw a light ahead. Back at the beginning of June I ordered my helmet. Choo has 2, Lo has 2 but I wanted to have my own instead of borrowing one of theirs.

    On Friday I came home and it had been delivered! I was so happy when I finally got it out of the box that pics were taken and posted and my failing week felt behind me! I felt a sense of purpose! What it was I had no idea but my helmet was in my hands. I can't remember why I went out back but when I did I saw Lo's bike and then Choo's bike but mine was missing and I didn't hear her so I figured Choo had taken her for a quick spin and went back in the house. I hear him pull in around front so I'm standing on the front stairs about to ask him where he went when he tosses my keys at me and tells me to get my helmet.

 No hesitation...I fly back in the house, grab it and come back out.

    After a minute of feeling like a little kid as he adjusts the straps to the point of locking my jaw shut and me mumbling that I think it's too tight, I get on. Mind racing through the things everyone has told me and the things I've learned I had to center myself and then I let off the clutch, rolled on the throttle, after 2 or 3 seconds I have my feet up and I'm moving down the street. I do have a mild problem of getting super excited when I've accomplished something and then I end up doing too many things at once forgetting what I was doing but that only happens the first time.
I pulled her over and had to breathe for a second. Turned her around and rode back to Choo standing there smiling with that cheeky "See you can do it" smile. I stopped and put her in Neutral and he asked me if I was done. All I could do was shake my head and pat my chest because my heart was pounding so hard because not only did I do it but it felt like the bike wanted me to do it too. she's just as tired of sitting in the driveway as I am looking at her sit there.

    The next thing I know I'm riding up and down the street and the neighbour is out and telling me that an 86 year old woman just learned how to ride and if she could do it then I could too. Then Bean and Allan are out watching me and she almost set me off as she started to tear up for me. She said I had the biggest smile on my face. I told her I didn't even realize I was smiling. Choo found it interesting that I would go further and a bit faster each time but to that, all I can say is...

You're creating a monster...

Another friend called me crazy and for you...

You haven't seen crazy yet...

Have a great week!
See Ya
S