Happy Monday Lovelies!
The weather outside is dreary with sprinkles of rain here and there but nothing big and soggy...yet. The stretch of weather has been nice and has given me time to practice my riding skills. At this point they are still semi non-existent except in my driveway and as much as I want to just go, I do realize that my skills for that are not quite there yet.
I know what I have to do but there is so much to remember and most of the people in my riding world are usually busy so I have to snag one of them as soon as I get the chance, and I will use you all.
I'm a visual person and learn by doing. Last week I started off by just learning how to work the clutch and while in first gear release it to feel where it grabs and then pulling it back in. I learned really quickly it can kick forward if I let it out too fast. Sure easy enough you say until you get a hand cramp from holding the clutch in for a long period of time.
It's a bit of a war in my head though because as much as I want to just jump in there and learn everything I can, I have to slow myself down and thank goodness for the endless supply of fear that goes along with it to put the brakes on! I've been on the back of bikes but had never ridden one myself and probably never would have if one wasn't put in front of me and I was told here this is yours.
Correction...the first one that was put in front of me needs to be built first and when that happened I figured I had time. Completely fixated on building a bike until the second one showed up alive and running. I'm determined to learn at a pace I'm comfortable with even as I watch everyone go one their rides together or alone and I want to be there so I'm working in stages.
My fears also seem to run in stages. after working the clutch my next step was to apply gas at the same time and that fear was me (being me) applying too much gas, freaking and losing myself or my bike in the process. On Saturday I got Lo to sit on my bike and go through the motions with me while she explained was I was going to be looking for and feeling for and for about an hour we went through those motions. You have no idea how many times before hand she yelled BRAKE at me but finally I did it without prompting. Up until then I had only been working with the left side of the bike and now I have to put the right side to work that took adjusting. Once I could pull it off smoothly she happy danced and high fived me. Sunday I practiced more and stalled her 4 times before I realized my choke wasn't all the way in. After I fixed that it was all good.
Now since I got over that fear and realized I had more control over that than I though let's just cycle the second fear through now. Maintaining speed and balance, this part mildly terrifies me and if the weather holds out today that will be my next step and the fear is going to have to take a backseat. Like and insistent child kicking the back of my seat while driving. Even though I know I'll be the one controlling the situation and if I do panic I know the steps to stop moving hopefully a smooth stop and not in a launch me over the handlebars sort of way. Dramatic, I know but necessary in keeping my thoughts firmly on my own safety.
Another friend bugs me about getting on the road, I know he's bugging me and wants me to be safe overall and he's just poking me ( I hope so at least, you never know with that guy ) like they all do but they have no idea how much I'd love to snap my fingers and take off... and not on my broom as he would say. With the fear and anxiety building for that though I actually got a little upset with myself. Don't get me wrong though I'm not getting pressured from anyone to learn at a particular rate and even if I was I would still work at a level comfortable to me. My problem is the constant battle with my brain. I want to do this so badly that I've considered going through the motions alone...more than once, even more so since this weekend but I won't beyond my driveway and it's definitely not long enough for anything but my back alley is and the thing is that it's gravel and there's an apartment complex at the end of it. Plus I'm not stupid someone needs to be there to call 911...but I've thought about it. No one watching me just my bike and me learning to handle each other.
So last night thinking about all of this Choo noticed I was off.
Choo - What's wrong?
Me - What if I don't get it?
Knowing exactly what I'm talking about, he looks at me like it's adorable that I'm second guessing myself and immediately I want to slap him.
Choo - You'll get it, don't worry. We'll take you out in front of the house tomorrow and get you up to speed.
Instant...Fucking...Panic...
That's the only way I can say that so that you have some idea of how my heart almost kicked out of my chest. There are only a few things that get me to the point where I can FEEL my heart pounding and after that my head got super ramped up. "Omg is it too soon?" and "Screw it I'm going to do this!", "What if I can't?" to "Of course I can!"
I'm going to die...
Sleep did not come easy last night, waking up even worse, I swear I was shifting in my sleep and I haven't even gotten there yet, even now as you read this my brain is still there...obviously but figured that as this is not only something that I share with all of you it's also something that I can write and look at to put things in perspective for myself and calm down.
I'm going to do it...I expect anything less from myself and I won't let my fears take over.
Wish me luck!
Have a great week.
See Ya
S
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